A Future Uncertain

The papers shook in my hand as I read the dreaded decision from the Social Security Administration Judge- Denied. For the last two years I had been fighting to get disability. It had started after I had been badly injured while working at a hospital as a nurses aide. A stroke patient was trying to get out of bed when the bed alarm went off alerting the staff. However, I was the only one who came running. As I tried to stop him he instead ended up pulling me to the floor.

So there I was laying helplessly as a terrified old man laid on top of me. I screamed for help but it took the nurses forever. After that day my back was badly injured. I had two herniated discs and osteoarthritis all through my back. I was put on light duty and then on the front lines during Covid where I worked as an entry screener. I then ended up at a very busy pediatrics office where I became completely overwhelmed. The eight-hour days turned into nine and half hour days with no lunch breaks and no breaks at all. Co-workers were always calling off and my work pile was getting higher and higher. Combine that with being yelled at by parents or threatened by those fighting for custody of their kids. It became all too much and then to add to my woes my son who was in seventh grade at the time was being bullied and assaulted by four boys.

So I was forced to quit my job at the pediatrics office and cyber school my son. In the process my landlord announced that we would have to find a new place to live as she sold her houses to someone else. I knew their was no way we could survive with my part-time weekend job taking care of my mother. Flash forward two years later and my son is in a different school where he has friends but I on the other hand am struggling. Despite getting an attorney I lost my disability case and have found myself in quite a bad boat. We had long since moved in with my dad but I knew that with his health problems and my mother’s I had to face the realization that I would need to find something more permanent but one that didn’t require me to work directly with the public.

I also have to look at the fact that I can’t stand for very long without my back seizing up. In reality I am a mess. Physically and mentally but to a disability judge my problems aren’t bad enough to work. It’s frustrating when no one wants to believe you. So, I enter this new year with so many questions and no answers. What will I do? How will I make enough money to survive? There is so much planning that I have to do. But as I have said before to the ones I love. I have landed on my feet before and I am determined to land on them once more. Whether it’s through writing or art. I will find my way!